I am the single mom of an 11-year-old. My son’s father left us when he was about a year old, and we have not heard from him since. He was abusive and not very responsible, but my son is very curious about his dad. I tell him only good things and have never mentioned his father’s alcoholism or drug dependency. I know he is remarried and has two other children. My son is a happy, loving, well-adjusted kid and I don’t want to upset the balance. How much should I tell my son about his dad at this point?
What seems implicit in this question is that sharing a certain quality of information about your son’s father will tip the balance in a way that will adversely affect the way he thinks and feels about himself. This is not about balance- it’s about closing gaps and filling in blanks. It’s about assimilating new and sometimes unpleasant information from which new learning occurs. If your son is a “happy, loving, well-adjusted kid”, then in all likelihood, you have helped him develop an enriching, resourceful belief system from which he can experience, among other things, feelings of being happy and secure in a firm home-base. This idea has often been called, self-esteem. A child with high self-esteem utilizes incoming sensory information to form a set of positive beliefs about how he interacts with the world. These beliefs help him acquire the confidence to negotiate life’s demands and meet its challenges competently and successfully through useful, self-enhancing decisions.
Sometimes kids have to make decisions based on unpleasant information. Deciding how you feel about a father you never met, who has an abusive and addictive past, is one of those decisions. Things are what they do. Sensory information isn’t “about” the world- it is the world! And your response to that information determines its meaning. If you don’t like what something “means”, change what you do- how you respond to the information. When a child with positive beliefs receives adverse information about a father he never met, his response to that information– and therefore its meaning — will be less likely to compromise his self-esteem.
Sometimes people behave in harmful ways, then leave. Drugs, alcohol and even violence are often involved. As a result of family histories, the media, peer groups and the proliferation of drugs in today’s society, eleven year-old children of this era have some knowledge of drug and alcohol addictions. Children communicate openly with each other. So perhaps the information a mother communicates to her son about his estranged father will be assimilated without much surprise. Moreover, the very tactic of open communication between parent and child that can not only lead a child away from indulging in illicit and self-destructive substance abuse, but it can help a child decide how to respond to the information being imparted about his father- and therefore, what it “means.” A child who exhibits high self-esteem possesses the personal resources that will better enable him to make a useful decision to avoid drugs and alcohol. Repeatedly processing information through a positive belief system and making useful decisions, he is learning to become an effective adult.
So enhancing the self-esteem of your child– irrespective of your marital situation– is essential in order for him to become an effective adult. A person with high self-esteem is operating from a kind of “center” moving through his life getting what he needs while remaining focused, calm and ready to handle challenges that develop. Being “effective” relates to processing information in order to make useful decisions. It’s important to remember that it is the information—not belief about one’s “self”—that is at issue in making those decisions! As we grow and develop, we continually face a variety of challenges. A child who learns to believe in his own personal resources and operate from this center will make more self-enhancing decisions than one who is inhibited by self-doubts.