“The Guardian of Stearns Street…like a sturdy, weathered ship…now leaving port, fading from my view, but never from my heart.”  Robert H. Wolfe, D.V.M.
From the day you first encounter that cute, fluffy, curious bundle of joy, you think about it. As the weeks and months and years together pass, it contextualizes– goes “inside” and becomes part of your unconscious file of knowledge, capable of being accessed at any moment: Someday the companion is going to die. It will be time to say goodbye.
What is a pet if not a companion? A member of the family; an unfailing source of affection and loyalty, pets serve a useful purpose in our lives. They reinforce our self-images. There is great satisfaction– especially for children– in overseeing the development of another living being. And experiencing first hand, a bond of unqualified love and acceptance. In contrast to human affection, often acquired with considerable effort and sacrifice, a pet seems to have an endless supply of love, offered free of charge.
So when it’s time to say goodbye, anyone who has experienced that special bond with a pet can understand the feelings of loss which follow. The death of a pet may evoke a myriad of emotions familiar to most people who have ever grieved. You could cry yourself dry–then cry some more. You may experience a period of depression accompanied by a sense of apathy about things that normally matter. Frequently, someone may feel angry and guilty, resenting the animal who has “abandoned” him (her); pondering what he might have forgotten to do– what else might have saved it. Other grief reactions could include: sleeplessness, fatigue, decreased appetite, headaches, anxiety symptoms and difficulty concentrating at work.
Adults who often have experienced grief during the course of their lives, have a powerful resource at their disposal with which to resolve the grief associated with pet loss. For a child, who has comparatively little to no such experience, there are factors which should be understood in order to help them cope: The nature of the child-pet relationship and the manner in which children perceive loss and death. What importance does a pet hold for a child? The various contexts of a child’s life– family, school, and peers– require him (her) to learn, be judged, and discriminate “right” from “wrong.” But the family pet could care less if a child forgets to brush his teeth (“After all, when is the last time I had to brush mine?”), or spills his milk (“Great! Just more for me”), or catches a cold because he failed to listen to mommy and get out of the pool when told (“Goodie! Now I have someone to snuggle with all day in bed!”).
Caring for a pet is a child’s way of showing he is important, responsible. He experiences a kind of symbiotic relationship of “belonging” and “interdependence” with an animal. This contributes positively to the child’s self-esteem. Children understand loss and death differently from adults; and in various ways, depending upon their emotional maturity and experience. Generally, children up to approximately five years old view death as a temporary hiatus– a break in the action without permanence. Like trees which lose leaves then re-grow them again. As their understandings begin to include resourceful knowledge and experiences, they begin to understand the difference between life and death. Children will also fantasize that death can be avoided or, if it’s too late, that one can return. As children increase in maturity they finally recognize the inevitable– though painful finality– of death. A bi-product of this realization is the anxiety associated with feelings of abandonment.
Generally, considering a child’s relative inexperience with the loss of a pet, while grieving, it is frequently more useful to offer support than explanations. For older children, explanations– such as why it was necessary for the pet to die or be put to sleep; or what happens next– may be comforting as well as opportunities for resourceful growth experiences. As a matter of helping with the grief process, offer supportive comments or explanations that are clearly understood in language familiar to the child. Encourage open sharing of feelings, citing the fact that this is a normal process. Share your own feelings as well. After all, grieving the loss of the family pet is for adults, too!. Keep his memory alive by framing a photograph, perhaps maintaining his ashes or writing a letter expressing what it feels like when its time to say, “goodbye.”