“Why do I have to continuously remind you to take out the garbage on Tuesday nights?”
<?xml:namespace prefix = o /> “Fran, why wasn’t I informed that the Fisher case had been adjourned? I was just leaving for court.”
 “Matt, how come you didn’t have your mother sign this report card?”
“Jimmy, why didn’t you clean your room? I asked you four times!”
 “Honey, why not tonight…?”
 These situations undoubtedly sound familiar to many of you. In fact, because of the manner in which these questions are phrased, you may even get in touch with a time you felt frustrated in a similar situation. “Why?” That is the issue.
 “Why” is an inefficient question; often the only question people ask when attempting to elicit information. A “why” question asks for a justification of someone’s failure to do something; for their having performed in some way. This presupposes that something else should have been done instead, and immediately creates two undesirable situations: (a) The recipient may feel angry, embarrassed, disappointed, and offer an emotionally-charged response in defense or, (b) that person can become confused about what to say, as the “why” allows an enormous range of responses in which to justify a transgression. In either case, the initiator of a communication may not receive useful and desirable information.
 When a mother asks a child why he didn’t clean his room, she may get a temper tantrum laced with excuses, or she may get no response at all. But as her question is inefficient (that is, her major concern is likely to have him clean his room, not to find out “why”), she inadvertently allows him to escape by justifying himself. Some children learn to be sloppy and learn well…
 Questions directionalize thought. They help determine where you are going with an idea. When asking a question, consider what information it will buy you. A well formed question will elicit more highly valued information than an inefficient one. What becomes important is to pay attention to the types of information you are requesting. Are you simply interested in data? For example, “What did you buy at the grocery store?”
 Perhaps you wish to understand the way in which someone organizes internal and external experiences in order to do something. “How did you know to select this particular brand of cat food?”
 Or you may need to evaluate criteria. “Were you able to get what you wanted?” “What prevented you?” “What do you still need in order to have it?” “When will it be possible for you to know ‘X’?”
 In order to maximize the information value requested by the question, you need to understand as much as possible about the experience of the person being asked. Listen to that individual’s response. Try on his (or her) perception of the situation. That is, visualize stepping into his body and responding outward; see out of his eyes, get in touch with how that person is feeling as he is responding. Have him teach you step by step how you could respond that way.
 “Wow! That’s really strange”, you say? Try it. Notice how your perception changes as you do. This is an interesting way for couples to fine-tune their communication. The more highly valued information you are able to gather, the greater will be your impact when you need to respond.
 “Now, Tommie, when you came home and saw the messy room I asked you to clean after school, what did you tell yourself?” “How did you feel about that?” “What stopped you from cleaning it?” “When can I expect this to be done?” These questions may not carry the emotional punch of, “Tommie, why didn’t you clean up your room?!” Instead, they may help you design a more useful, ulcer-free intervention that will be generative–i.e., capable of producing the desired outcome again in the future. Consider these options. You may decide to learn something new and powerful about communication… why not?