During the course of our lives we select from among many choices in the process of deciding and evaluating. But among those decisions and evaluations, there are none more important than the ones we make about ourselves. The criteria by which we self-evaluate directly influence our values, the goals we set, and how specifically we behave in order to achieve success. This internal process has been called, self-esteem. It relates to the extent that we can be confident and content about our abilities to learn, decide, or create something deemed valuable. In short, it represents a love of “self.”
Positive self-esteem in a sense, may be considered a love affair with ourselves. It’s an intimate experience developed from our own criteria for “self-acceptance.” It’s what we think and feel about ourselves, not what someone else thinks and feels about us. In order to relate effectively with others it is important to have criteria for self-acceptance and recognition of that from others. A typical stumbling block in a relationship is the belief that one is not lovable. In effect, such a person is lacking the criteria for deciding if he (she) is acceptable. Without those criteria, another person’s love may not seem “real” or convincing. And in demonstrating anxiety about one’s uncertainty he (she) may be inadvertently undermining the love of another.
People behaving in this manner are said to possess low self- esteem. Feeling afraid of “risk”, they aspire to less, therefore achieve less. Rather, they prefer the safety and comfort of the undemanding. Such individuals often communicate ineffectively, becoming evasive due to their uncertainty about their own thoughts and feelings as well as the responses of others. As a result, they often form destructive relationships that reflect their common lack of self-worth.
In contrast, people who exhibit positive self-esteem are ambitious, goal-oriented, communicative and loving. These individuals, too, are frequently attracted to one another. But the relationships they form are generally more vital and “nourishing.” There is no known chromosome for positive self-esteem. It is more often than not conditioned through the reinforcement histories that exist in families. There are several principles essential to the development of healthy self-esteem.

1. Learn to “respond” to yourself. You need to recognize that you are the artist, author, sculptor of your choices– your destiny. You are the reservoir of reinforcement for your actions. Recall a time when you needed to perform in some fashion and were able to succeed, regardless of the circum- stances. How did you experience the results? Now think of others (if you believe you cannot…pretend that you can…)
2. Strive to be self-assertive. With respect to your fulfillment, consider where you are now…where you would like to be…and what specific changes in your behavior you need in order to get there. How do you express yourself now? What is the consequence? How could you modify your manner of presentation in order to achieve a more useful outcome?
3. Reject your behavior…not your self. When you engage in behaviors and feelings that you do not admire do something different instead! Relating negative outcomes to some aspect of you as an individual is futile, illogical and damaging to your self-esteem.
4. Create purpose and integrity in your chosen actions. For any given context, identify a goal, then perform the tasks that will allow you to achieve it. If those behaviors are leading you incrementally toward a purpose, remain loyal to your actions.

Positive self-esteem is a harvest reaped from the nurturing you provide yourself. It is, in a sense, the result of some “selfish” thinking. So, assuming you are a thoughtful, generous, considerate person, the next time someone says, “You know, you’re really selfish“, you can smile inwardly and tell yourself, “Thank you.”