Communication. Everyone knows what it is. Or at least we think so. We also think we know when it’s not there or when it causes difficulties. Thus, you frequently hear expressions like,
<?xml:namespace prefix = o /> “The problem with their marriage is their communication.”
 “Bill has difficulty with his boss because there is no communication.”
 How about between parent and child? “I know Frank is a good boy. My husband and I just don’t understand where his head is– there is such a lack of communication.”
 Stated as an event or “nominalization” in language systems, a word, which describes an on-going process, becomes detached from that fluid experience, thereby isolating and distorting its meaning. It becomes difficult for someone to then incorporate and understand that experience in his model-of-the-world, in order to produce satisfying changes. Ask a number of people what “communication” is and you will receive a variety of vague definitions attesting to its importance in their lives but which, nevertheless, do not lend themselves to producing useful outcomes. It’s something that needs to be addressed, even if they cannot see it! Sort of like playing ball in the dark. However, ask those same people, “How do you know when you communicate effectively?”, and you are suddenly playing in a different ball park.
 Many people assume that if we can speak and hear we are communicating effectively. But sometimes verbal behavior is just a lot of talk! In fact, what we say constitutes only a fraction of how we communicate. Primarily, most communicating occurs non-verbally–by how we look, sound and feel; and from our interpretations of others’ verbal and non-verbal messages in a particular setting. Accordingly, there are several beliefs that are useful in communicating effectively. A person cannot, not communicate. You are constantly providing messages to people–verbally or otherwise–in their presence. What frequently happens though is that the message you intend, that is, what you say and how you say it, nonverbally, is not the message that is received.
 A related point, too often we assume that others will understand us simply because we know them intimately; as if they can “read our minds.” The latter frequently happens in a variety of contexts such as families, business associations, and peer groups. For example, a wife who tells the children not to bother their father upon his arrival home may mean to convey to her husband, “I’m protecting you from being disturbed.” Her husband, who believes the children may be intimidated by him interprets, “There she goes again, making me the bad guy to the kids.” Business associates working closely on an important project can mind-read, too. “Jack knows how important this account is to the firm. I’m sure he understood my ‘look’ in the meeting, to get me the data as soon as possible.” A key to closing the gap between the intended and received message is another useful belief: The meaning of any communication is simply the response it elicits. What you see is what you get; and what you get is what it meant. You don’t like it? Think it came from out in left field? Change the message you send, rather than assuming, and then stating, that someone “misunderstood.” This empowers a communicator with the ability to clarify a message until the outcome is useful for some purpose.
 Another factor to be considered by an effective communicator attempting to clarify a message is, specificity. To the extent that both the communicator and responder can share the same “reality”, verbally and non-verbally, the messages will match. Thus, it is important to avoid deleting information when communicating.
 “Billy, be careful with those wine glasses, they’re expensive!”  Verses,
 “Billy, please hold the glasses by the stem when washing to avoid their slipping and breaking.”
 In addition to their verbal quality, these two sentences vary in the clarity of mental images they create and thus, the responses which are formed. A subtle factor in the previous example is that the latter sentence also describes a positive instance of behavior–what is desired rather than what is not. To communicate what you want rather than what you don’t want will more often produce effective changes. A person will better be able to interpret the desired outcome. Remember, “Negation” exists only in language; not in experience! (What does the experience, “The dog is not chasing the cat”, look like?).
 A final word– the last word– in effective communication is, “acknowledge.” It’s the way we let another know that their message has more than met the ear.