“Most people are other people.  Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”
Oscar Wilde
The holidays are coming. Time for families to share special moments again. That is if their members can tolerate being around each other. When “bad blood” exists among family members– either between siblings or siblings and parents– holidays can be an awkward time. Frequently, the source of difficulty in families is between parents and their adult children.
Child rearing is one of the most difficult assignments we will ever undertake in our lives. In effect, when you raise children you are a master builder, creating a family’s future; a sculptor chiseling a product in his image. Unfortunately, in a family, that image may not be a “shared reality.”
As children grow they develop their own “images” of how things should be. They have their own concerns about what is important, how to communicate to parents, siblings, and peers; how they can behave in ways that reflect greater independence and maturity. Problems arise between parents and adult children when they fail to communicate effectively. This usually occurs after parents, with their learning histories, voice concern about some behavior of their adult children; and those children– each with his own and “different” learning history– object. The resulting communication gap often leads to friction.
To close the gap, adjust your behavior to reflect new understandings about your adult children: They can only be them and you can only be you!  Having them (the children) “step into your shoes” in order to better understand you (and hopefully, see things your way) is simply them being them…in your shoes; not them being you!  Here are some suggestions:
1- Change is the only constant. Change is an inevitable and important aspect of our growth and development. Every institution in society– law, education, medicine– evolves through change. And The Family is no exception. The parent-child relationship is originally based on the parent having more authority and autonomy than the children. However, when a child reaches adulthood, this power imbalance disappears and the relationship must change. It is time for parents and adult children to relate in ways that reflect more what they have in common– interests, hobbies, careers, parenthood– than to correct some behavior. Parents would do well to shift from offering unsolicited advice to asking for opinions.
2- Heal old wounds. Bridging the communication gap is facilitated by doing a lot of listening– active listening! (That means being present on the “outside” rather than being “inside” yourself thinking about what you want to say next, as soon as the other person takes a breath). For a long time, parents do most of the talking and their children (if they know what’s good for them!) do the listening. Now is the time to make friends with your adult children– and possibly, amends. Perhaps your children resent something that they believe happened in the past or simply have a different perception about their childhood than you do. Listening as they relate their tales and acknowledging that their versions of family history are true to them, does not make you “wrong”; just wise!  Wise enough to realize that each of us has his (her) own map or “model of the world.” And no one’s map has yet become the “GPS” that guides the rest of us to our destinations!
3- Leave parenting regrets behind. Most parents believe they do the best they can, and most of the mistakes result from loving too much rather than too little. As children develop into adults, guilt about past parenting errors need to fade. A healthy relationship with adult children is not based upon fear or guilt. Convince yourself that people generally make the best choice available to them at any given time; and you did the best with the resources you had back then. In contrast, given the choices available to you now, allow yourself the enthusiasm of having the opportunity to make healthier responses to your adult children.
4- Let adult children have their own regrets . You want your children to be happy, and you worry about the choices they make. But heed this well: If we assume responsibility for their difficulties, they will fail to develop the resources they need as adults to solve these and other future problems! Rather, take an advisory stance. Inform the children that you are available to them if they need you, but be sure to convey your confidence in them to make useful decisions. It’s time to move on from being a player to being the coach. Retreat gracefully…and never say, “I told you so.” 5- Help children make their dreams come true– not yours . From the moment they are born, you dream for them. As they differentiate through time, children prefer to fulfill their own dreams; even if they differ from those of their parents. Make your fondest dreams helping your adult children to achieve theirs…and you may have bridged the gap between you, forever…