The concept, “co-dependency”, emerged from the study and treatment of substance abuse (including alcohol) and its effects on family members. It is a term referring, in the pathological sense, to a dysfunctional and progressive life- pattern in which one’s attention is excessively focused on the addictive behavior of another person.

The alcoholic individual becomes a significant focus of attention for other family members, who must make adjustments in their own behavior, in order to compensate for the “sick” individual. The family roles are adjusted in order to “pick- up-the-slack” for the alcoholic and insure the survival of the family unit. As a result, the manner in which members relate to one another becomes confused, unfamiliar; and laced with feelings of resentment, anger and guilt. In short, the family fights tearing itself apart and becomes, dysfunctional.
One aspect of the dysfunction relates to care-taking behaviors– who reports to whom; who is responsible for what or whom; hence, the term, “co-dependency.” Despite its origin, co-dependency is a vague term, the purpose and applications of which are poorly conceived. It is grossly over-used in a variety of treatment centers. Originally, it applied to family members and extended to other individuals who interact significantly with the addicted person (i.e., boss, counselor, friend). However, the use of this term was further extended beyond alcohol to other contexts which produced dysfunctional families such as: Gambling, eating disorders, sexual and child abuse and domestic violence.
Co-dependency is frequently described as a normal response to an abnormal situation, developed unconsciously over a long period of time. There is often allusion to the idea that the co-dependent individual is trapped into responding in this manner, out of conscious awareness and, therefore, out of control; and, too often, something for which the person is not held responsible. Treatment based on these assumptions is frequently long-term. A curious phenomenon of our society is that the less clearly we understand something , the more likely we are to attribute that thing to an internal, disease or “trait”, beyond our control, yet responsible for our behavior; and of course, extremely difficult to change. The label, “co-dependent” in its traditional sense is one such trait.
There is an alternative way to consider co-dependency, across the variety of situations in which it occurs, that lends it- self more directly to useful treatment: Co-dependency is a limitation in a person’s behavior in which he (she) depends upon someone else being dependent, in order to satisfy some “intent” such as feeling desirable, confident, powerful, and so forth. This “co-dependent behavior” is often seen in spouses and children of alcoholics, drug abusers, and others who engage in destructive habits; and it manifests in a variety of ways.
A (fictitious) example will illustrate this position. Tara is a warm, sensitive person who frequently feared hurting others’ feelings. Married to an alcoholic for many years, she had been accepting of his drinking problem, submitted to his wishes and performed chores, tasks and care- taking behaviors beyond those normally undertaken by one spouse. Additionally, she provided advice and assistance to other family members, relatives and friends. After decades of this behavior, she began to realize that she had skated out on thin ice…and was a long way from shore! She found it difficult to refuse people; to say, “no.” For lack of time due to her endeavors, she sacrificed becoming involved with activities and people she truly desired in service of “helping others.”
A generalization in her model of the world, underlying these behaviors was that she derived importance, acceptance and self-respect from amercing herself in the care-taking of those she perceived as dependent and, therefore, “needing her.” Saying, “No”, was equivalent to being uncaring, unimportant. This formulation of co-dependency clearly features the “secondary gains” for this individual.
An alternative choice involves reframing the meaning of what she was doing from “helping” others to “hurting” them. By “helping” only those who were weak and dependent, she was actually assisting them in becoming weaker, less “able” and even more dependent! It’s a systemic loop– the more she did her thing, the more they reacted their way. Therefore, a pattern change was required to help her “help” better: Model resourceful, independent functioning; the care of one’s own needs and interests. Once an individual has channeled personal resources and developed self-help behaviors and feelings, he becomes his own best source of strength…and dependency.