“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”
E.E.Cummings
Do you have a teenager who drives you crazy? Do you ever wonder if perhaps he (or she) was switched at birth with an alien? Living in a household with Beings they don’t understand, parents often feel bewildered, frustrated and wonder just what– if anything– goes through their minds when a desired behavior is requested.
Actually, teenagers just like their parents, formed beliefs that guide their behaviors early in life. Those behaviors which help children meet the basic challenges in life lead to feelings of confidence, happiness and the expectation of respect from others, collectively known as self-esteem. The practical importance of developing self-esteem at an early age is that with each successful encounter, a child enhances the resources he will need to face future challenges.
One of those challenges occurs in adolescence. Of predominant importance to teenagers are the beliefs about their identity– who they are, whether or not they are respected, liked and by whom. Acquired in their youth, they often form the foundation for later experiences. Therefore, it is essential for parents to attempt to understand and direct them toward positive outcomes. The behaviors of teenagers often digress from what their parents expect or prefer. Consider some typical scenarios generated from this digression:
1- Why does my son/daughter refuse to perform assigned chores? Frequently the problem is not one of open defiance. Ask a teenager if he will make his bed, take out the garbage, hang up her coat or do homework and the answer will more than likely be in the affirmative. However, teenagers live in a different time zone from adults. They operate in “later standard time.” The word, “now”, only exists for something highly regarded (i.e., cell phones, video games, tablets). An essential aspect of communicating is establishing rapport. In this instance, this means helping your teenager feel comfortable enough for the conversation to continue. Tell him that we all procrastinate sometimes– include examples from your own experience. Then indicate, calmly, the positive advantages of accomplishing the desired task as soon as possible such as, more time to text and play games, or perhaps, obtain a highly valued privilege or tangible item from you the parent to show your appreciation.
2- My teenage son/daughter rarely talks to me, no matter how many times I try. Why do you think this happens? One of the expressions we learned from our parents is that “children should be seen and not heard.” This meant in the company of adults, they should remain silent, speaking only to answer pertinent questions– certainly not to volunteer advice or opinions about adult family matters, finances, friends, worldly events and so forth. This in contrast with the age of free expression that exists today may lead to a clash of values that is often resolved as a power play between parent and child: In effect, many parents don’t encourage teenage expressions. For lack of time or the fact they as children were discouraged from speaking freely, some parents fail to listen to what their teenager is saying, at times interrupting with a lecture or otherwise cutting him (her) short before finishing the tale. When your teenager begins talking, force yourself to listen– even if it pains you to do so. Pretend that what he (she) has to say is interesting…soon you may forget that you are pretending!
3- How come my teenager seems to reject my values? Teenagers, in searching for an identity, are really looking for acceptance that will not be transient but reliably consistent. At times it becomes difficult to adopt the values of their parents when they perceive inconsistency in their positions. For example, a parent who is frequently seen smoking and drinking alcohol then warning a child about the severely detrimental effects of drug abuse may be ignored or openly defied. Such a parent might enjoy greater success by first becoming abstinent of tobacco and alcohol; and by modeling the notion that remaining drug-free is consistent with another highly-regarded family value: Obeying the law.
4- Why does my son/daughter avoid being seen with me in public? Teenagers are often embarrassed by their parents, who may not act in the manner they expect. It is useful to remember that once upon a time we were teenagers with similar views. Teenagers often experience a world in which they are highly visible to others; all eyes are upon them—their attire, movements, and comments. Not surprisingly, a teenager’s self-esteem can be a function of how well he/she is accepted by others. So what can a parent do? Try a dose of your own medicine. Stay back, be seen and not heard. Show the same respect you often request. Maybe you will be invited for a brief hello-goodbye!