Believe it or not, verbal behavior is not the only way we “talk.” Often we can say alot without even opening our mouths. In fact, most human behavior occurs unconsciously that is, out of conscious awareness. “How could that be”, you might ask?
There are several classes of unconscious behaviors: (1) If someone were to videotape small segment of your day, you might be observed, sighing, scratching your head, crossing your legs, squirming in your seat– even talking to yourself aloud! And if you are over age forty, you might even be seen walking into your kitchen for no apparent reason! Most people would be unable to recall having engaged in these behaviors. Yet they are, nonetheless, behaviors.
Second behaviors that are learned consciously go inside, become stored unconsciously and “contextualize”, that is, are retrievable in appropriate situations. Thus, for example, a musician grinds out a piece of music until his senses and motor skills function as one. He eventually may not only be able to play a particular concerto without sheet music, but can likely do so without thinking about it while his conscious mind fills with thoughts of where to dine following the concert. A skilled surgeon, having painstakingly performed hundreds of operations, may choose to listen to a particular music tape or make “small talk” with members of the surgical team, during the operation.
Third there are a class of behaviors, occurring unconsciously, that communicate messages to other people…also unconsciously! It is useful to consider this class of behaviors, “body language.” A variety of body signals greatly contribute to the course of a communication. Our first impressions of others, formed within the first few minutes of an encounter, are frequently more a function of someone’s facial express- ions, gazes and gestures, than verbal content. In many instances, it is better to allow behaviors to occur unconsciously, where they have become contextualized to fire- off appropriately, than to try monitoring them consciously.
What would happen to a tight-rope walker in the circus if he (she) were constantly aware of placing one foot in front of the other; or of the crowd below? People who have difficulty being…intimate are too often consciously monitoring their performance with that “little voice.” In contrast, although most body language occurs unconsciously, becoming aware of the messages your body is sending can enhance personal interactions. In effect, you can make a stronger impression on others! Some of the more typical body signals include: 1) The eyebrow flash. Did you know that people often shake hands with their eyes unconsciously? Within seconds of making eye contact with another person, both your eye- brows and his (hers) will lift briefly. If you consciously initiate this eyebrow flash you will attract the attention of the person you are greeting, who will, upon unconsciously recognizing your approval and openness, respond similarly. That person is then more receptive to any conversation that follows.
Second the smile. The recognition of another will often elicit a smile. Be careful. There are smiles for all seasons… and reasons. Obviously, a broad, open-mouthed smile between lovers and friends constitutes a warm greeting. Yet an inappropriate smile conveys as bad an impression as does failing to smile. For example, a broad, open-mouthed smile, exposing the upper teeth may unconsciously access a memory of being on the wrong end of a bad sale and inspire distrust. To gain the favor of relatively unknown people, use a more relaxed smile with lips barely parted. The effect may be enhanced with eye contact and a slight tilt of your head to the side.
Third the gaze. Eye-contact can dictate the tempo of a communication. Eye contact is an important part of effective communication. But there are glaring subtleties at work. When initially meeting someone, staring for more than a few seconds can signal hostility or disapproval. After a rapid scan of the person’s face, a quick downward glance, followed by a re- turn to eye contact signals a wish to continue the encounter. But if you want people to go where you are looking, look where you are going: Glancing sideways or upward may convey distraction or lack of interest. Practice your body signals. After all, if a body is going to talk, it might as well say something worth listening to.