During the last century, in the heart of the Blue Ridge Mountains two families of “Hill People” encountered a difference of opinion about what– to them– was a
matter of honor. From that day forward, every time a Hatfield encountered a Mc Coy, fighting, even shooting occurred, as both families spilled “bad blood.” The feuding continued for many generations.
Can you imagine being born into a family and holding a grudge against another
for reasons that have long ceased being important to anyone? This feud, the quintessential “grudge”, illustrates a phenomenon that occurs in the lives of most people at one time or another. In fact, some people carry grudges their entire lives!
But like the Hatfields and Mc Coys, who were undoubtedly ignorant of the circumstances that started the feud, many people invest so much energy holding a grudge that they have little left for addressing the salient issues that originally led to the resentment…or for any other worthwhile activity!
Yet, despite it’s shortcomings, holding a grudge is often a normal part of life; streamlined (unconsciously) into our on-going experience as any of our other customs and values. So why do we hold grudges?
- 1- At times we may fear that resolving the conflict and eliminating a grudge will prevent us from getting even. But the energy devoted to “getting even” allows the other person to continue inhabiting your life. You
give him (her) undeserved power over you!
- 2- Frequently we believe that keeping resentment in the forefront of our experience will prevent others from taking advantage and hurting us again. On the contrary, a long-term resentment can make a person more vulnerable to abuse, as it restricts the range of possible choice of behaviors in the presence of one who transgressed, thereby preventing movement forward in his (her) life. Moreover, long-term resentments often carry far more pernicious consequences for the grudge-holder than the perpetrator: (a) They require inordinate amounts of distracting, mental activity to maintain– such as plotting revenge or worrying about having been victimized– that they interfere with productive work. (b) The bi-product of this all-consuming activity is physiological stress which can contribute to serious health problems. (c) Most importantly, one’s obsession with such activity represents “remedial” as opposed to “generative” thinking. That is, the various emotions and processes are geared toward rectifying a singular problem, rather than toward the utilization of resources in order to prevent the occurrence of similar difficulties in the future.
So how do you suddenly stop shooting, come out from behind your rock and turn the other cheek?
One popular ending to the Hatfield-Mc Coy feud involved a marriage between two members of the respective families. By designing this exquisitely generative solution, the families, in service of averting the tragedy of young love, were able to heal their wounds. (The Montagues and Capulets were likely rolling over in their graves!).
Short of marrying one for whom you carry a grudge, you might find it more preferable to do the following:
- 1- After reviewing the situation, try on the other person’s perception of what happened and then generate alternative explanations of your own.
- 2- Make yourself comfortable… Imagine seeing yourself sitting, relaxed, watching still another you off to the side approaching the perpetrator and sharing, responsibly your feelings and, what you would need in order to change those feelings. Observe the you in the chair with feelings of comfort and strength watching the other you as you witness the perpetrator responding. Allow yourself to access feelings of “satisfaction”, stored from other experiences in your life, as you witness coming to terms with the other individual.
· 3- Stop suffering in silence, take action by asserting yourself and making peace.
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