…Tell him you agree: “Breaking up is hard to do.”
We all experience it. Though unpleasant, it’s one of life’s rites de
passages. Typically, the turmoil characteristic of a romantic loss
generates intense emotional stress, making it a most difficult period to endure.
These times are more familiar to those who change partners the way most people
change socks. However, for a greater number of individuals, the phenomenon of
breaking up is an unpleasant but distant acquaintance; like paying taxes.
A break up comes with mourners; a roller coaster ride of emotions. Some board
for the entire ride; others jump off at some point. Still others do something
else entirely. Typically, at first, one or both parties may deny what is
occurring with such internal sentences as, “It’s not true…she doesn’t mean it.
She will come back again–this is all just a misunderstanding.”
When prophecy fails, anger is next. “How can he do this to me after all I’ve
done for him?” As the pain becomes familiar, guilty feelings emerge. “It really
is my fault she left. I guess I just wasn’t attractive or successful enough to
keep her.” But then in desperation, a hail-Mary pass play: the bargain.
“If he comes back, I will be more attentive…I will keep the house more
orderly…”
Finally, feelings of depression accompanied by such internal statements as,
“It’s really true, she’s gone…forever.” Why do we continue torturing ourselves
so much during a break up? Isn’t the termination sufficient enough? The loss of
a love relationship strikes at the heart of a person’s self-esteem– the beliefs
about one’s ability to affect positive outcomes such as “being loved.” Negative
beliefs emerge to the extent that we feel out of control in a given situation.
And we tend to feel very out of control when we believe we are powerless to
change the outcome: The loss of a love relationship. A “relationship” doesn’t
really exist. It is a reification of the more fluid, on-going process,
“relating.” The advantage of the latter is that is suggests our ability to alter
the course of an experience to produce favorable changes. For example, telling a
loved one that we too often relate unpleasant situations from day to day
suggests something that could change for the better. Simply saying that we have
a negative relationship implies something else altogether: Our fate is
sealed.
Don’t hold your breath waiting for “change.” to happen. When a relationship
terminates, the parties, who already believe they are powerless to effect
positive change, often generate internal messages of self-doubt and inadequacy.
“I am unlovable. I will never be happy again.” An intense fear of loss often
accompanies these thoughts because, despite their many differences, the
individuals review memories of more pleasant experiences that will not recur.
For awhile, wherever they go strong painful flashbacks are evident,
particularly, when they encounter places, objects, songs and people that were
part of their shared lives. These become “anchors” which, when triggered, remind
each party of the other. The belief is that they just can’t let go.
At times, the idea of loss and letting go can access other powerful memories
from childhood; especially for those individuals who experienced painful and
unresolved separations from a parent. Many people have a history in which a
parent was emotionally (or physically) unavailable. As adults, they still yearn
to make an intimate connection with this parent. By relating to someone who is
also unavailable, someone is reliving a childhood problem, perhaps without fully
realizing it, and hoping it will turn out better this time. Of course, it
usually does not. But this nevertheless often accounts for people who
repetitively select the “wrong people.”
So how do we survive and move on? Eventually, we get off the roller coaster.
Battered and a little queasy, we allow ourselves new experiences that contradict
negative beliefs associated with a former loss. We meet others who serve as
“counter-examples” to the belief that we are helpless, ineffective
communicators. Finally, recovery does not have to be a long and painful mourning
process. Remember that some people don’t board that emotional roller coaster.
They take pain on an alternate route. Using resources– past learning where they
have been successful at endeavors– ahead of time, they transform the energy
invested in the pain of letting go to a positive, growth-producing experience.
They modify their pain from an unpleasant feeling to a bright vision, an
uplifting inner voice or perhaps an exhilarating feeling of relief. A cue that
change is imminent; a harbinger of good things to come!