As our lives progress, time flows and a lot of water passes under the bridge, that we often forget the past when our differences with a significant family member were a mere gully between two shores. That which is “now” seems as if it always was a…distant, silent tense. The tides of discontent continue to rise with reckless abandon, widening the rift. Many people experience lost or strained relationships with significant family members such as parents or siblings. This phenomenon can lead to considerable tension, especially at certain times when contact occurs such as, holidays, birth- days, weddings, funerals and special events. When recalling thoughts of past difficulties with someone, it is often easier to suppress the urge for reconciliation; to repair a relationship. After all, it is reasoned, as adults, we each have our own well-formed belief systems– we are pretty set in our ways.
The problem is that our “ways” often take us in such different directions that we fail to understand one another’s “map” of reality. So we suppress and avoid. But in the long run, the price of this continued distancing from a loved one can be high: Insurmountable stress and depression, believing we have suffered a great loss. Inevitably, however, many of us seek to restore a lost fondness…or create one that heretofore existed only in fantasy.
When Nick was growing up in the 1970’s, he did not relate well with his father. Communication was strained, dialogue from father was generally discipline-oriented and punitive. As a result, they rarely spent time together except to argue. One summer in the mid-1980’s, when father’s business took him to the Orient, he invited Nick along. Nick, at this point an art professor, utilized the opportunity to further his education…about art and his father. During the seventy-five day excursion, they discovered each other for the first time.
Here are several thoughts that may help you diminish the troubled waters of time with a significant person: 1) Be a part– not apart– of each other. When relating is difficult, remaining isolated from another is preferable. Distance reinforces negative beliefs in the absence of new, resourceful information. But coming together can allow the latter to occur as sharing, leading to new understandings and better communication between you than existed previously. Moreover, at times, experiencing something together may require relying on each other’s wisdom and expertise allowing for the formation of new beliefs and an improved relationship. 2) Think, ” What is there to like?” Take inventory of the significant person’s resources. What do you truly admire about that individual? How do you feel about feeling admiration? Does any of this alter the impact that person has upon you?
3.)Learn to control YOUR self– not someone else’s. When in- interracing with another, a useful adage to keep in mind is: The meaning of any communication is ONLY the response it elicits. So in the course of relating, if the reaction you get is not pleasing, YOU need to do something else in order to (hopefully) receive a different response. But directly, there is nothing you can do to make a family member believe or act differently. As you continue modifying your behavior when it elicits unwanted responses, the other person may likely do the same. 4) Change shoes, never mind the fit. Think about the role you have played in relation to someone else. What role did he (she) play at the time? Consider ways in which your cur- rent role (in relation to that person) has changed. Given the difference, how might you expect him to act now? An essential part of conflict resolution is the reclassification of differences; of “meanings.” Any changes in the way we relate to another reflects a resorting of information that enables us to gain a new understanding. To be sure, imagine stepping into the other person’s role here and now. How would you (as that person) perceive you? Some among you may wonder, “Why should I have to do anything? It was my (father) who started this, years ago!” Maybe. But a piece of you was lost with that relationship.
Our perception of “self” is highly influenced by interactions with others, especially loved ones. As such, you can continue to drown your sorrows in troubled waters, or enhance your self- esteem by resolving past conflicts.