“What passes for woman’s intuition is often nothing more than man’stransparency.”
George Jean Nathan
They say, “opposites attract.” But for what purpose? Often, the the ways men and women differ is the magnetism between them. But no sooner does each fall in love with someone “different” than he (she) tries to make the other more like himself.
The assumption which underlies this venture is that we would get along so much better if only you could be more like me. Prior to living daily with one another, men and women can become fascinated with the ways their respective lovers differ. It’s intriguing; captivating…different. However, what is “different” acquires a different meaning once two lovers live together on a daily basis. Most human behavior occurs unconsciously. Could you imagine how cluttered your life would be if you first had to deliberate your every movement? Think how many steps are involved in tying a shoelace, for example. Our ongoing be haviors cluster as unconscious routines often called habits– performing chores in the morning, driving, working, convers- ing, cooking; and arguing. A request for “change” is an interruption of someone’s routine. People often resent this– view it as a violation of space. And this resentment can undermine the intimacy bet- ween the two individuals. However, the key to improving the way men and women relate lies with truly respecting the phenomenon that may have attracted them in the first place: Their differences. For in an environment of acceptance and understanding of comple- mentary styles, positive change occurs. By compromising and validating each other– based on how they differ– couples can learn to relate successfully and preserve the romantic spark beteen them. Generally, men and women relate differently in several contexts:

• For one, Coping with stress. Men want to be accepted for them- selves which is often to say, they want to “get away with” who they are. Under stress, a man may remain silent in the presence of his mate, go to another place in the home, or leave for awhile. In contrast to being accepted, women fre- quently want to be understood, and will attempt to relieve stress by seeking out their partners for conversation and emotional reassurance. Recognizing and acknowledging each other’s styles can promote a healthy bond between two people, based on an appreciation– rather than a fascination or resentment– of how they differ. For example: “Ted, excuse me, I see you’re involved with fixing that door, my presentation this morning got ripped to shreds and I really need to talk about it. What time would be good for you?” Or: “Whoa! Joann (touching her), you must have had a rough day. So did I. I certainly want to hear about it. Could you give me a half-hour to go for a jog and clear my head?” 2)

Second, the things we do for “love.” Guys, gals, does this sound familiar? When you first date, the man is careful to be a courteous gentleman– opening doors, walking on the traffic- side of his date, pulling out her seat. He carefully con- siders– even anticipates– his partner’s interests and de- sires. The woman shows appreciation for these rituals, which only reinforces their occurrence. Then as time goes by and you relate more seriously, possibly even marry, respect and appreciation give way to withdrawal and expectation. “He eats here, too. Why should I thank him for clearing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen?” “Why should I get her flowers when she tells me I waste money foolishly?” But wait a minute! What happened to all that good stuff you did when you first started dating? Can you remember that far back? Try to get in touch with the “butterflies” in your stomach as you tried to show your best side. Can you get in touch with the first moment you can remember being drawn to your partner? Your first kiss? What was different then? Appreciation and respect are two sides of the same coin. If a man does something that a woman “expects”, her appreciation does not diminish that act, it enhances his respect for her. And men, gestures designed to make a woman feel special reflect how you are special!