Diane and her husband, Ken took the children to the Bronx Zoo. On the way, they began arguing about Diane’s reaction to a flirtatious comment that was passed at a party the night before. As the disagreement intensified, five year-old Dana clutched at her mother from the back seat and asked several questions about the zoo animals. Meanwhile, three year-old Kevin began screaming, kicking the back of his father’s seat…and punching himself. Mother gasped; father stopped the car…
Parents do not deliberately arrange to argue in front of their children. After all, any parent might tell you, in a closed family setting, it is virtually impossible to arrange for every dispute to occur behind closed doors. Yet, too often it is easier, when embroiled in a battle with a spouse, to simply treat children as if they are not pre- sent or will not really understand what is happening. But children learn to discriminate the various actions, tonal shifts, facial expressions and body language of their parents from infancy. Included among those is the ability to detect emotional distress between mother and father.
By observing their parents, children learn how to respond in a variety of situations, including conflict. When it appears that parents lose control, children will become distressed. And their distress is reflected in different behaviors as they mature. Young toddlers who observe conflict between their parents feel their own security is being threatened. As a result, they may experience considerable stress in the form of fearful, anxious responses. They may begin crying– even screaming. Or imitate the angry behaviors they are witnessing, shouting and banging objects. As children grow older, they better understand the content of the dissention. However, still finding it stressful, they often attempt to stop the fight by diverting parental attention to other matters– including and especially their needs! Furthermore, as their actions often curtail the disagreements, they may realize some control over the situation.
Then “control” becomes “responsibility”, which can lead to emotional problems later. Adolescents, in addition to having acquired the knowledge that they can often control– and are sometimes responsible for– parental disputes, feel socially embarrassed. The identity crises typical of adolescence with pressure to act independent of parental supervision, features social embarrassment in the mere presence of a parent, much less when parents fight openly. Teenagers like to project an aura in which they “magically” arrive at school, the mall, a friend’s house; and make decisions concerning their whereabouts and curfew, completely unassisted! Their parents should be neither seen nor heard; and especially not arguing.
Considering the indelible impression long-term parental disputes have on children of all ages, it is useful for mothers and fathers to learn to conduct their disagreements effectively. Effective problem solving can not only diminish the emotional impact of disagreeing parents upon children, but teach them a valuable lesson– that people who love each other can disagree, and still resolve their disagreements in ways which satisfy both parties.
When a dispute emerges from behind closed doors: 1- Acknowledge– rather than deny– that an argument has occurred. Encourage any children who witnessed the event to express their feelings about it, reassuring them of their absence of blame. Denying to the child what has already been experienced may inadvertently teach that expressions of negative emotions are unacceptable leading to the suppression of their own feelings future situations. 2- Give the facts…just the facts! Explain the content of a disagreement as presented by each parent in terms that do not require children to take sides. The latter can threaten a child’s relationship with you or your spouse. 3- Stay in control. The ISSUE is the issue; not the spouse! Avoid humiliating your partner in front of children. And especially avoid displays of violence. 4- Nobody’s perfect. People who live together disagree at times. Then a major reason they live together surfaces– they love each other. So they make up. And children learn that love means…sometimes having to say, “I’m sorry.”