Stan B., married and a father of two teenage children, was in a meeting at work when the call came. His father, retired and seventy-nine years old, had fallen down the basement stairs again, this time breaking his leg in two places. Stan’s mother, frantically related the story to his wife, Diane, who then phoned him at work. Having two cataracts, the senior Mr .B. was warned not to go downstairs. But that was where he built his workshop nearly fifty years ago. Retired nearly eight years, that’s where he needed to go to do something– to feel important.
Stan’s mother, a strong-willed but ailing seventy-eight, was not capable of influencing her husband to be careful. Now she was not capable of caring for him during his convalescence.
“We have to do something, Stan; the right thing”, Diane offered, desperately. “But I’m afraid the right thing might be the wrong thing…for us.”
Creating a family is like writing a script. It is a development of characters and scenes– a lifestyle with a rhythm that is greater than the sum of its elements. Marriage, children, a home, work, school, chores, weekends and vacations all interact; each at first a novelty; then, an old friend. The various elements of the script are penned in time. Certain things need to occur before others. And some things– cast in the future– seem never to occur, until one day that which will be is now
In part, the decision to share a home with elderly parents results from prohibitive costs of nursing homes– and in many cases, their dismal reputations. It isn’t easy, but more and more families who care for elderly parents in their homes are discovering rewards as well as frustrations. Most of the potential problems that result relate to the ways in which this new family element impacts negatively on the lifestyle of the family as a whole, and on certain of its members in particular. If you are about to edit your family script to include one or both elderly parents, there are several considerations that are useful:

1. A change of this magnitude often impacts everyone involved. Thus, it is imperative for both you and your spouse to commit together to this change, regardless whose parents are moving in. Although most problems can be resolved if they are addressed at the outset, without a dual commitment, a small problem may escalate until the present arrangement becomes unsolvable in the future.
2. Hold a family meeting. This will allow all members to feel that their input is important– fears, compromises, solutions to potential problems. For example, a child may have to give up a bedroom, another individual may have to modify his or her schedule to be available to provide care, and transportation could become cumbersome. Solutions to potential problems often include hiring part-time help and remodeling a home.
3. Since the change impacts the set of people called, “everyone”, and the elderly parents are an element of that set, they are affected, too! A man who would risk his life to (virtually) blindly walk down stairs to maintain his independence and dignity despite the admonitions of his wife, may have difficulty adjusting to a family of critics and doters. The entire experience could lead one or both elderly parents to feel they have fewer choices and therefore, opportunities. A grim reminder that they are becoming old and helpless. Perhaps a separate entrance and other forms of privacy– including a telephone line– can be installed to help preserve some of those choices, including their feelings of dignity. A related point, elderly parents used to providing for themselves and their family– which means, you– for years may believe an aspect of their worth to be a function of what they can contribute. Perhaps they will offer help with household finances, cooking or child-care. To the extent it is feasible, encourage their contributions heartily.
4. Think of the new arrangement as a contract. All members agree to rules, responsibilities and tasks that are worked through in advance.

However, like any contract, it may require renegotiation at times (to prevent your parents from becoming “free agents!”). Maintaining flexibility of choices and a positive attitude regarding the feelings of others is most important. It will allow you to resolve differences resourcefully, making your caring for elderly parents at worst a challenge, not a burden; at best a reaffirmation of your love and patience.