“Anyone who thinks that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography.”
Robert Byrne

<?xml:namespace prefix = o />How are “marriage” and “driving” alike? In both instances, a license is required. However, for each of these events, the method of acquiring a license is very different; and the essence of that difference may affect the extent to which one is successful.
Can you imagine driving on the Pennsylvania Turnpike in mid- January, knowing that the only legal requirement for this privilege was passing a blood test and promising a judge to obey the “rules of the road?” The consequences of such a system are obvious, depending of course on your “period of adjustment.” Less than obvious is the fact that while obtaining a driver’s license requires mastery of certain skills, there is no “road-test” requirement for a marriage; no pre-training in successfully negotiating the hazards along the way. As a result, many marriages end up “in the ditch.”
Perhaps the institution of Marriage should come with an “owner’s manual.” However, in the absence of such a phenomenon, there are some suggestions that might help you steer a more steady course and avoid some of the common pitfalls:
 
·        1. Stay to your right–don’t hog the road! Each of us enters a marriage as a unique individual with his and her own model of the world that allow us to negotiate our own financial, emotional and physical issues. Criticizing some aspect of someone’s “model” or otherwise trying to “control” that person is a destructive pattern which should be avoided. Often this arises when one member, believing himself (herself) “unworthy” or “ineffective” in some way, tries to counter by foisting monumental influence over another. A useful marriage strategy involves sharing ideas while maintaining one’s individual identity-i.e., friends, methods of performing tasks, and interests. A compromise is a more effective means of “control” that respects the value the each member. Ken, a veterinarian, disapproved of his wife, Jan’s, chosen profession: Child care. He would taunt her, saying that she was just a glorified babysitter, something he used to do as a teenager. She felt she was making a contribution to the lives of these pre-schoolers while their mothers were at work. They argued frequently–even violently, on occasion. Until they learned what was truly motivating Ken’s attempts at “control.” He felt ignored, left out, as the children were frequently still present when he arrived from work. A compromise ensued which had a significant impact on Ken’s values. Jan arranged a trip to Catskill Game Farm, and invited Ken to “help teach the kids about animals.”
·        2. Avoid “fatigue.” Plan several rest stops. A common belief among married people is that husbands and wives should be “best friends”, spending all of their free time with each other, expressing all their most intimate thoughts and feelings. Too often, this belief takes the “spark” from a marriage, as spouses tend to react rather than act; lose touch with their own “models.” It becomes difficult to plan “quality” time. That is, to distinguish the “ordinary” from the “special” experiences. “In a world where everything is “blue”, the concept, “blue”, does not exist.” A “best friend” is, by definition, your most intimate confidant. There are no holds barred. A best friend knows your greatest strengths and most vulnerable secrets. While it is certainly useful in a healthy marriage for spouses to share “intimacies”, their constant physical closeness and shared burdens and responsibilities all dictate the need for some emotional privacy. “Vulnerability” in a marriage can be dangerous. Brad and Trish discovered it can also be costly. Despite warnings to the contrary, Brad often said, “I can tell Trish all my problems– we have no secrets! We discuss everything openly, even my sexual fantasies about one of her tennis partners.” After two years of exposing secrets, including self-doubts, their marriage ended in divorce. Brad was stunned that his wife had said, “I feel nothing but contempt for you!”
·        3. Maintain your vehicle. Keep it looking brand-new. After the honeymoon comes years of work, children and household maintenance. “Romance” can become a sporadic or non-existent part of marriage. But the spark must be tended in order to fire regularly. Couples need to set aside some time each week for a variety of romantic encounters from sending each other “cute” cards and flowers; and having “special” evenings out, to intimate, sexual expressions. Drive your marriage carefully.
 
Enjoy the ride, but respect the rules of the road, and you may cruise along for many years to come.