The ’90’s—era of immediate gratification; courtesy of computer technology. Computers, fax machines, automated tellers and cash machines have dramatically reduced many delays in our business and personal lives. These advances have made us more productive by reducing the latency of time between mundane activities, thereby affording more free time. A by-product of this age, however, is that people have learned to tolerate fewer delays when events at work or home develop more slowly than anticipated.
Anxiety and aggravation–represented internally, perhaps, as negative comments, disappointing pictures or muscle tension– often lead us to impatience… …Flying anywhere from New York City– the quintessential Excedrin Headache. Three airports, waiting patiently…to get you. First, you may hurry in order to arrive with plenty of time to spare before the scheduled flight leaves so you can wait to park your car, to check-in, to board, and on the runway, wait for take-off. Your heart races, stomach knots, temples scream with anxiety!
Hence, the true purpose of a vacation is revealed: To discharge the stress that accrued from going there! What is this thing we call patience? A time-out. The commercial break in your ongoing program. Time to go on “automatic pilot, as a particular situation, to that point controlled by your behavior, is now beyond that control. Patience is congruent calmness– inside and out– culled from the realization that time must pass and activities must occur before you can again intervene to achieve a desired outcome.
An essential ingredient for acquiring patience is, knowledge. To the extent you understand the parameters and complexities of a situation, it becomes easier to determine the amount of delay that is acceptable. Developing patience is a process and like any other complex behavior pattern, it is best learned by practicing at a time when it is not immediately required. Consider a stressful situation from your everyday experience: 1) Assess the limits of your control. Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone would just back-off and let you run the show? Things would happen smoothly, efficiently, relatively stress-free, and in less time! There is only one problem: In contrast with those few individuals who “know everything”, most of us are not that fortunate; our knowledge, in part the result of how we control and manipulate the environment, is nevertheless limit- ed by factors beyond our control. Doing what we can in an imperfect world can make acquiring patience less stressful. Your flight leaves from “JFK” at ten o’clock tomorrow morning. Did you pack yet? Determine the best route to the airport at that time? Plan to leave home early enough to include the possibility of a traffic delay?
Second, assess the outer-limits– that which is beyond your control. What do you know for sure that you don’t know? What can you predict about a situation that is unpredictable? Too often, impatient actions occur impulsively, spontaneously, in response to anxious internal events and prior to considering the possible outcomes that can result due to factors over which you have no control. Generate some of those latter factors. Tomorrow it may rain, traffic could be heavy, the flights may be delayed…and the food will likely be inedible.
Third build a bridge. Accounting for factors both in and beyond your control will bolster your understanding of a particular situation. This facilitates the development of patience. But something is still missing. Behavior is not acquired and maintained simply as a function of understanding. You can under- stand how to play basketball and still not master it. Access a representation of the outcome, “patience”, from your behavior; and the consequences which ensued at that time. Get comfortable, take a few deep breaths, and pay attention to tension leaving your body with each exhale. Think of a time when you were successfully patient. Be sure to see the circumstances, hear what was happening and feel the same calm sensations that you are feeling now. Step into the picture and “be there!” As you do, say, “patience.” Allow yourself the opportunity to remain with this experience for a few minutes. Then do something else.
Fourth install, “patience.” Review the original stressful situation, inserting your trigger for the calm experience, “patience.” Pay attention to any calm, confident feelings that occur in the presence of this otherwise stressful scenario, as you slowly progress toward a desired outcome.