“You never get to the point? You’re always rambling on. Can’t you ever get your act together?”
“You are always late. You’ll probably be late for your own funeral!”
Criticism! The very sound of the word can cause heads to lower, defenses to mobilize. It is uncanny how the very same organ which offers solace and comfort can become a weapon of destruction: The tongue.
With practice, a well-placed tongue can hurt, belittle, shame, insult– even embarrass another person. An essential ingredient of criticism is the blanket statement. This entails using words which linguists have called, “universal quantifiers.” They include words such as, always and never.
An unpleasant, impatient tone of voice empowers the message: “I am angry and I want you to feel horrible right now!” Moreover, criticism is frequently fallout from the-straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back. Often, people who store unpleasant internal experiences from prior situations unleash past frustrations when they are criticizing someone, presently. Already seething, they seek to discharge un- pleasant feelings by taking pot-shots at someone else; in effect, criticism is an opportunity for target practice! In other words, it becomes a vehicle transporting a person from an unpleasant state to a more relieved state of consciousness.
How many times have you come home from a stressful day of work and offered a blanket criticism for something that otherwise might have gone unnoticed? How about this scenario: Frustrated feelings emerge while you futilely attempt to fix something. Your first thought is that you probably should have hired a specialist. But, no, you weren’t going to pay good money for someone else to do what you were certain you could do yourself, right? Inevitably, another family member, agreeing with your first thought about a specialist, offers unsolicited advice, allowing you the opportunity to aim and fire a blanket criticism!
“Look, as usual, you’re running your mouth when you don’t know what you’re talking about!”
Interestingly, that very same tongue can criticize positively to build confidence, increase self-esteem, and the probability of desirable behaviors. Criticism is so often pejorative that considering it a constructive tool seems alien, until you reframe “criticism” as a valuable resource.
A critical response may be considered feedback that allows someone to classify behavior in a particular fashion; to make a discrimination that “a” is useful in a given situation and “b” is not. Conceptualized in this manner, criticism is reconstructive: It offers the opportunity to produce a useful change or to build new behavior. This highly useful criticism is offered precisely, for a purpose, not as a vehicle for venting angry feelings. Accordingly, comments are selected to guide someone in discriminating among choices rather than to malign with blanket, undisputable generalizations.
For example: “You never get to the point– your presentations go on and on…I almost fell asleep!” can become, “Nice job. Your research was surely exhaustive. However, you might have lost a few people early. Next time it might be more effective to grab our attention immediately with some of those powerful illustrations you offered at the end.”
Criticism that serves a useful purpose is planned and controlled– rather than impulsive and volatile. Realizing that sarcasm, blame and accusations lack merit as attention-getting devices, comments are selected that will produce the desired outcome. In designing reconstructive criticism, consider:

1. What specifically needs to change. Suggesting one change an “attitude” is like building a house with dry ice and fog. How can you recognize a difference in attitude? A relate point, changing ineffective behavior is at issue; not maligning someone’s self-esteem. Avoid public hangings.
2. How would one know when it’s different? What is the goal?
3. How can you help? Your concern makes criticism palatable.
4. When should this be accomplished? Consider the circumstances and suggest a time frame that will be acceptable. Help others build positive behaviors…and any changes which result may be considered a blanket self-compliment.