“To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.”-Eric Hoffer During the last century, in the heart of the Blue Ridge Mountains two
families of “Hill People” encountered a difference of opinion about what– to
them– was a matter of honor. From that day forward, every time a Hatfield
encountered a Mc Coy, fighting, even shooting occurred, as both families spilled
“bad blood.” The feuding continued for many years transcending generations of
Hatfields and Mc Coys.
Can you imagine being born into a family and holding a grudge against another
for reasons that have long ceased to be important to anyone of either family’s
siblings? This feud, the quintessential “grudge”, is illustrative of a
phenomenon that occurs in the lives of most people at one time or another. In
fact, some people carry grudges their entire lives! But like many Hatfields and
Mc Coys, who were undoubtedly ignorant of the circumstances that started the
feud, many people invest so much energy holding the grudge that they have little
left for addressing the salient issues that originally led to their resentment.
Yet holding a grudge is often a normal part of life; streamlined (unconsciously)
into our on-going daily experience as any of our customs and values, despite
it’s shortcomings. So why do we hold grudges?
- Revenge…ah, sweet revenge! At times we may fear that resolving the
conflict and eliminating a grudge will prevent us from getting even. - The illusion of protection. Frequently we believe that keeping resentment in
the forefront of our experience will prevent others from taking advantage and
hurting us again.
Notwithstanding, long-term resentments can make people more vulnerable to
abuse, as it restricts the range of possible behaviors in the presence of one
who transgressed, thereby preventing movement forward in their lives. Moreover,
long-term resentments often carry far more pernicious consequences for the
grudge-holder than the perpetrator.
- (a) They require inordinate amounts of distracting, mental activity to
maintain– such as plotting revenge or worrying about having been victimized–
that they interfere with productive work. - (b) The bi-product of this all-consuming activity is physiological stress
which can contribute to serious health problems. - (c) Most importantly, one’s obsession with such activity represents
“remedial” as opposed to “generative” thinking. The various emotions and
processes are geared toward rectifying a singular problem, rather than
developing resources to prevent the occurrence of similar difficulties in the
future.
So how do you suddenly stop shooting, come out from behind your rock and turn
the other cheek? One popular ending to the Hatfield-Mc Coy feud involved a
marriage between two members of the respective families. By designing this
exquisitely generative solution, the families, in service of averting the
tragedy of young love, were able to heal their wounds. (The Montagues and
Capulets were likely rolling over in their graves!). Short of marrying one for
whom you carry a grudge, you might find it more preferable to do the following:
- Try on a new perception. After reviewing the situation, try on the other
person’s perception of what happened and then generate alternative explanations
of your own. - Create a healing scenario. This is not easy and will require some practice.
Make yourselves comfortable… Imagine seeing yourself sitting, relaxed,
watching still another “you” off to the side approaching the perpetrator and
sharing, responsibly your feelings and, what specifically you would need in
order to change those feelings. Observe the “you” in the chair watching the
other “you” with feelings of comfort and strength as you witness the perpetrator
responding. Allow yourself to access feelings of “satisfaction”, stored from
other experiences in your life, as you witness coming to terms with the other
individual. - Turn the other cheek. Stop suffering in silence, take action by asserting
yourself and making peace.