Sheila B. claimed her feet never touched the ground for a week after Todd asked her to marry him. In the days which followed, she envisioned a lifetime of happiness; of children, a home and everlasting love. So did Todd. Soon it became necessary to plan the wedding. Who would have thought that an event– a milestone– which represents the ultimate commitment of love and trust between two people could become the occasion for the expression of intense turmoil; a stage on which to display the unresolved feelings of each partner’s family members.
The wedding plans spanned an eight-month period and culminated with an event during which neither set of parents were speaking, some of the guests expressed insult concerning their seating distance from the beloved couple; still other potential guests expressed the same for having not been invited, period; the photographer was late, the flowers were the wrong color and there were unforeseen expenses that hadn’t become apparent to Sheila’s father until the rehearsal dinner, the night before.
The next morning, Sheila and Todd left for their honeymoon, bewildered, angry, worried about their families; and feeling the irony that somehow an event which is supposed to be an occasion for sharing a pledge of love and happiness could evolve into a life stressor the magnitude of divorce and death!
Unfortunately, Sheila and Todd’s is but one of many similar scenarios which evolve when families plan a wedding. The “content” of the turmoil varies with families– disagreements about invited guests, the food, the reception hall, the ceremony, itself which often involves religious overtones; and financial considerations. Some of these seem relatively trite and others cut more deeply into the family fabric. This was illustrated quite amusingly and poignantly by Spencer Tracy in the original “Father of the Bride.” However, more consistent than the content is the “structure” of the families creating the turmoil. Planning a wedding often becomes the forum through which family members display a variety of clashing emotions– their fears and insecurities being most prominent. It becomes an occasion for which so many decisions have to be made, including who will make them! And the latter gives rise to feelings of worth or worthless- ness depending on what a person believes to be true about himself (or herself) in conjunction with what task has been relegated.
At times, parents of the spouses-to-be believe they need to prove to others what they doubt in themselves by taking charge of the wedding plans in one or more context. For example, the invitations, the catering, the financial planning. If disagreements between sets of parents are perceived as a threat to their already diminished self-esteem, (that is, the negative beliefs they may run internally about their ability to organize and control events successfully), tensions can mount and lead to serious conflicts. Frequently, the bride and groom also fall victim to rising tensions during the planning of a wedding.
An interesting and circuitous pattern frequently develops: A young couple may perceive the planning of their own wedding as an occasion to emancipate themselves from parental controls; an opportunity to prove themselves adults by successfully organizing the most socially responsible activity of their lives. However, feelings of independence often clash with guilt over the exclusion of input from parents, who may have expressed their displeasure in having been “excluded.” Moreover, as the opportunity to express independent planning leads the happy couple to fear the possibility of “failure”, with so many variables which could go wrong, they may reluctantly elect to relinquish certain tasks and assign them to the parents. The latter, in turn, already feeling “insulted” (based on how their belief systems evaluate their diminished roles), may elect to express further displeasure– even anger– leaving the beloved couple feeling more uncertain and guilt- ridden. Reluctantly, they may offer further apologies to their parents and relinquish further control of the plans, thus feeling defeated; and that they have failed to act as adults.
The tensions in this play may be exacerbated by another scene: An occasion in which there has been a previous divorce among one or more sets of parents and how that will affect their participation in the wedding plans; particularly if there are still unresolved conflicts between them. Whew! Wait a minute! Let’s go back to, “Will you marry me?” Apparently, all concerned, in expressing these family dynamics, have lost sight of the original intent and need to assume a different posture; gain a new perspective about the contractual agreement which is to occur. A useful presupposition of the above question is that two people love each other and wish to share a life together; not re-create the Montagues and the Capulets! Sometimes what we think is the most important part about something can change…and something else can become more important…when we reframe what is meant by “important.”
As the act of marrying usually presupposes already-existing love, make that most important. Share that expression– your feelings, values, plans for the future– with all family members. Convey the understanding that there is nothing more important than your union; and any threat to that union, of course being less important, will not be tolerated! If you are good– really good–you will convince family members to vicariously participate in your love for each other. The excitement, the passion, the sharing, the compromise, teamwork…and then the wedding plans. And in so doing, they, too, will understand what the most important part is. And perhaps if you are really, really good, you can then convince the families that one cherished expression of your love is cooperating together… and show them by example…