” To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”                                                          David Viscott
To a child, marriage is the cradle of love holding the family together; bonding the stalwarts of his life: his parents. But when the vow breaks…
Nearly half the marriages in this country end in divorce. Unfortunately before this occurs, many of these twosomes have become “threesomes” (or more-somes). In divorce, money and property become the spoils of war– children become the victims. They neither ask for it nor cause it. Yet, they are faced with the loss, confusion, anxiety, anger and depression which often results.
Imagine a three year-old child enjoying a Sunday outing in the family car when suddenly, both of his parents bail out leaving the child to drive. What are the rules? What makes this thing work? How can he (she) negotiate a steady course while avoiding hazards? Sound foolish? This is the sort of thing that happens from a child’s perspective when parents split. Threatened with the loss of a loved who has always been there to meet his (her) needs, a child may come to believe he is to blame and, therefore, responsible for repairing the broken marriage. That belief becomes reinforced when parents include the child in the battle, subtlety coaxing that child to one or another’s side of the dispute. Hence, the beginning of what is called, “triangulation.” That is, compromising the needs– and self-esteem– of the child by parental “victimization” in an attempt to win the favor of that child in the divorce agreement. When the vow breaks…the baby falls. Into a sea of chaos and emotional turmoil. As a result, a child’s self-esteem goes down the drain and there is confusion about family roles.
As the battle for turf rages, a child becomes uncertain about allegiance (after all, he loves both parents), responsibility, acceptable behavior and expression of emotions; and his worth, to the extent the child believes he is at fault. It is said that effective parents give children roots to grow and wings to fly. Children need to develop enriching, resourceful belief systems which contain, among other things, feelings of security in a firm home-base and the self-confidence to leave it one day.
As positive beliefs develop a child acquires the confidence in himself to negotiate life’s demands and meet it’s challenges competently, successfully. And as a result, incorporate feelings that he is worthy of happiness. This construct has come to be called, “self- esteem.” Acquiring– then maintaining– high self-esteem necessitates trusting oneself, which in turn requires assigning value to the “self.” A value that reveals the child’s belief in himself as one worthy of being loved and respected. But trust begins with parental modeling. Children learn what they live! When parents who are divorcing model inconsistency, when they belittle one another in front of a child and when they triangulate children as part of the sequence of events leading to the split, something other than trust occurs. A child learns fear, guilt, uncertainty, confusion through inconsistent behavior. A lack of confidence in a child’s ability emerges; so do feelings of worthlessness. The result: Low self-esteem.
Enhancing the self-esteem of your children– irrespective of your marital situation– is essential in order to cultivate resourceful adults. As we grow and develop, we continually face a variety of challenges. A child who learns to believe in his own personal resources is far better able to live life successfully as an adult than the child who is inhibited or paralyzed by self-doubt and self-distrust; two elements of low self-esteem.
So what can you do to help your children during this stressful time in your marriage?

1. Make communication a close encounter. Though you may think they are “unaware” during marital disputes leading to divorce, children do not exist in a vacuum. As they grow up in a social setting surrounded by others, they com-municate, form beliefs and take actions– just like you! A parental estrangement that lacks communication with children can generate painful beliefs. This is why it is important to encourage children to express their emotions. Be sure to let them know that they are blameless for what is occurring. When communicating with children anticipate—then communicate their concerns.
2. Show your children respect through reassurance of parental love—both parents! This in contrast to using children as pawns during disagreements with your spouse. “Children learn what they live! If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn…if a child lives with approval he learns to like himself. And if a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world”