Tricia’s interviews for a public relations consultant were successful. After having met with several levels of management, a salary and tentative starting date was determined. A week passed, then two, without any word. A year later, she regrets not having pursued the interest with a phone call. Yet she felt too “shy” to take that initiative.

Ron, a well-respected engineer for a large corporation, is frequently required to make presentations in front of his co- workers. Despite being well prepared, his intense fear of speaking before a roomful of people affects his sleep, causes beads of perspiration to his forehead, shortness of breath and a quivering voice.
Diane, a very attractive advertising executive, would become overwhelmed with anxiety, blush, stutter and leave the room whenever one of her clients invited her out after work. Her friends were baffled at how such a self-assured professional could become socially shy.
What is, “shy?” How do we know to have that experience? Shyness may be considered, simply, a reluctance to act in some fashion as a result of some internal events. The latter may occur as a “little voice” that tells you what terrible consequences could result from your taking some action, a clear picture of yourself receiving those consequences, a series of unpleasant feelings such as heart palpitations, blushing, nausea and so forth; or a combination of these.
Almost everyone has known shyness on occasion; it’s a normal experience. However, it can become a potentially serious limitation to the extent that increasingly more situations become occasions for “shy.” Then the number of opportunities to be successful in some endeavor become reduced as fewer choices of responding are available to you. In effect, you become dragged down a “black hole” of failure.
The internal events behind shyness typically occur as expressions of fear of rejection or scrutiny. “No matter how much a person attracts you, he (she) can also reject you”, the little voice offers. Or, perhaps, “Everyone will be staring at me thinking who knows what– I hate being the center of attention!” To make matters worse, when these internal expressions produce shy behaviors, we then go inside and allow ourselves further internal experiences of rejection and scrutiny for having succumbed to shyness! But this is where we need to turn the corner. All of us on occasion do things that we consider foolish or limiting– that get in our way. Rejecting ourselves for those actions, we attempt to get rid of those behaviors and feelings by self- criticism. “Just stop being foolish and call already!” “Stop acting like an adolescent school girl and go out with him!”
In effect, the typical reaction to shy behaviors and feelings is one of removal by necessity; that they are bizarre, negative, and cumbersome and should be “cut out” of your personality. But, alas, most of us lack the tools for this type of surgery; so “shyness” persists. Rather than trying to change a limitation by removal, consider an alternative approach. The most important part of this method involves an unusual assumption: That every behavior, no matter how seemingly bizarre or limiting has some useful and important positive intention.
All behavior has purpose. We all have feelings and behaviors developed in our youth to serve a purpose, that continue even when they are no longer useful to us. Thus, some people are still in conflict with their parents long after the latter have died; others, victims of some form of abuse, learn mistrust as a form of protection, and this occurs even with those who love them now; and still others for whom avoidance was once a useful way to prevent failure, remove themselves from contact with people. Re-examining shyness from an assumption that basically changes a limitation into a powerful asset or ally makes it possible to establish better rapport with your inner self, rather than remaining frustrated and in conflict. You are then in a position to examine new choices.
Make yourself comfortable, breathe slowly and evenly, and consider a time–however short–when you were completely relaxed… Consider what purpose your inner self might have for allowing you to act shyly. What does it allow you to accomplish? Think of another time you needed to be extraordinarily creative… Ask yourself while in this state of mind, consciously or otherwise, to generate other choices of behavior(beside “shyness”) that could accomplish the same purpose in a more useful way. Pay attention to whatever thoughts occur. Use a new choice, and say good-bye to being shy.